Fine Tuning Your Parenting Style
"Tell
us what to do, and we'll do it."
I hear this comment frequently from parents who are hoping that I have a simple fix to a problem they are having with their child. As much as I wish there were simple fixes, the fact is, even if there were, most of us won't "just do it." We have ways of parenting that are ingrained, and instead of changing those ways when things get tough, we just do more of them. We do them with more intensity. We do them with more frustration. Instead of doing more of what isn’t working, most of us could stand a little nudge to fine-tune our usual style of parenting.
Some
of us are strict disciplinarians.
We
usually opt for quick, terse, and let's face it, sometimes harsh parenting.
We say: "Do it now!" We want
no discussion and no comments. We expect to
be obeyed. Now! This is effective parenting for some situations. But if it is the only way that we parent, it may be too severe. A
parent with this style might be more effective with a quieter approach.
Still firm, still with authority, but without the harsh edge.
Others
of us are softies.
We almost always listen, explain and try to gently get our children to do what we request. We use a lot of words and spend a lot of time. This is a very warm approach, and is quite effective when we are teaching our children about appropriate behavior. However, it is a flimsy approach when we need something done now, with no discussion and no arguments. Parents who are softies need to learn when to be firm. They need to use fewer words and not be manipulated by whining or explanations.
Most
parents are a combination of both styles, and would benefit from knowing when to be firm
and when to be kind. It helps to keep two things in mind:
What
do I need to do right now?
Sometimes,
a few words and no discussion are called for. "Stop hitting your brother!"
Not: "Why are you hitting your brother?"
or: "Honey, we don't hit." "Stop,
now!" is the message we want to convey. This
is not a time to be soft.
At
other times, explanations and discussions are important. Talking about your 12-year-old's
embarrassment when her little sister tags along works a lot better than barking:
"You're taking her, and that's final!"
This is a time for conversation and understanding.
What
is more important, the issue or the relationship?
Ask yourself this question when you are unclear about how to communicate with your child. For example, do not worry how your child feels about your firm stand on issues like parental supervision or alcohol. "You may not visit a friend when his parents are not home. Period." Even if he whines, argues or bargains with you, you must maintain your authority. The issue is clearly more immediate and more important than the relationship.
However, there are times when the relationship counts more than the issue. Pay attention to this when you have been home for half an hour and have already said ten critical things to your child. "Your coat is on the floor, your homework isn't started, and your snack dishes are in the living room..." You get the idea. You do not need to ignore these issues forever. But if most of your time with your child is spent fussing at her, find an encouraging thing to say. "Hey, I noticed you fed the dog. Thanks." Or, better yet, just sit down and be available for your child to come to you.
Small
shifts in your usual parenting style can reap large benefits.
Spouses actually like to reverse roles sometimes and let the softie step in with authority, or the disciplinarian with more understanding. Children respond well when parents are firm enough to get them over the rough spots in life and soft enough to sometimes ease the way. The best parenting style has room to do both.
© by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC. I encourage sharing Authentic Living in whole or in part if copyright and attribution are always included.