To validate the feelings of
others, let them know that their feelings or opinions make sense to you. “No wonder
you feel that way.” “That makes sense.” “I
can see that.” We do not have to agree
with them, but if we want improved communication, we must let them know we understand
their point of view before we voice ours.
To help another person to feel
understood, use his language (yes, use some of the actual words).
“So you’re angry?” If angry is his word, he will say, “Yes.”
If his word was annoyed, he will say, “No, I said I’m annoyed!”
Matching the words can keep things from escalating.
The more someone is understood, the more willing he is to stay in the
conversation.
To further show understanding, use
the person’s communication style. If she
speaks with mostly feeling words, say: "I get it," or "I
understand." If mostly visual, say:
“I see,” or “I can picture that.” If
auditory, say: “I hear you,” or “It
sounds like….” Keep talking/exploring until the other person says: “Yes, that’s
it.”
Ask permission to give advice. “Would
you like my ideas about that?” Even
when we have a brilliant suggestion, it is a good idea to check out whether someone
wants our input. We must respect their
decision to say “No thanks, I’m handling this on my own.”
When you compliment, give
specifics so the other person knows clearly what you are saying.
People tend to discount compliments that are too broad or too global.
“I loved it when you substituted for me at the meeting,” is a compliment we
can own. “You’re wonderful,” though
it sounds nice, does not tell us clearly why you think that and may trigger our inner
voice that tells us ways that we are not so wonderful.
When you must address difficult
issues, also give specifics. “I don’t
like it when you arrive late,” is language that addresses the problem and our feelings
about it. “You’re annoying (or wrong,
or rude, etc.),” is language that invites defensiveness and argument.
Allow the other person time to
think about what you want to discuss with them. Many
people can get tongue-tied when they feel put on the spot.
Inviting them into a conversation or creating a time to talk gives them room to
think about the topic and their responses. “When you have time could we talk about…?”
When you hear a reply that is far
from what you expected or wanted, put words in the other person’s mouth to show how
you wish they had responded: “What I was hoping to hear was….” This can keep us
from being triggered by the other person’s reaction or lack of understanding.
“What I was hoping to hear” is much less provoking than, “I can’t believe
you said that!”
To keep from reacting purely from
emotion, take a moment to think about what you want to say or do next. Instead of
yelling or walking out, we can manage our feelings with language:
“Part of me is really angry.” When
we acknowledge that a feeling is a part of, but not our total self, it helps calm us.
It also allows us to access our other, more reasonable side to carry on the
discussion.
Finally, to keep your
relationships vibrant, try voicing your delight more often.
“I appreciate it when you….” “I
enjoy your company.” “I like to hear
your opinions.” Notice how often you use words of pleasure and how often you use words
of upset and decide which words you want to dominate your relationships. The more we speak from our hearts, the easier it will be to find the
language of connection.