Helping Children With Relationships 

When a child has difficulty getting along or fitting in with peers, parents are often at a loss to help.  Many associations with other children happen away from our view, and only later do we hear how frustrating, upsetting or embarrassing things were for our child.  Because we are not always with our children at school or play to oversee their social development, here are six things parents can do to help steer their children’s relationships. 

First, teach your child to be more assertive and less aggressive. Studies show that children who are more popular have these skills. I think this is true for adults as well.  People who can state what they want in clear, non-aggressive terms are easier to understand and get along with.  Children need direction and encouragement to find ways to be assertive without being a bully and to be agreeable without being a wimp. 

 

Allow natural consequences in your child’s life.  If parents resist the urge to “fix” all unpleasant situations, children become more self-reliant and better able to manage themselves with others.  Learning to tolerate frustrations and negotiate with others is a part of life.

 

Help your child learn to read social cues.  Reading facial expressions and body language helps children know when others are approachable and when their comments are well received.  Learning to match the behavior of others allows children to fit in.   Please do not misunderstand.  I am not recommending that children become clones and always do whatever their peers are doing. However, children who are good observers learn the language of their peers, find more appropriate times to speak up and more create ways to fit in.  

 

Decrease the ways your child is singled out or viewed as different from peers.  Is your high school student the only one of his group to ride the bus?  Is your daughter really the only one with blue shoes?  Are you hearing things like: “Mom, they call me a dork”? Do not fall for the “everybody’s doing it” ploy, but if your child is truly having difficulty fitting in, having the right shoes or pen or lunchbox might reduce the “dorkiness factor.”

 

Do cool stuff and let your child take along a friend.  Make sure the cool stuff is cool to the kids and not just cool to you.  If figuring out “cool” seems too daunting, try providing a place for kids to get together.  A mom who once let her sons dig a foxhole in the backyard created the coolest place for boys to play that whole year.

 

Finally, encourage your child’s areas of excellence.  Sports, music or hobbies of their choosing put children in side-by-side activities with others who have similar interests.   It makes it easier to invite a new friend over to paint model rockets or to work on gymnastic techniques when you know they already like the activity.

Refining social and relationship skills is part of growing up.  Using some of these simple tips may help parents fine-tune the process and decrease the frustrations as their children learn these life skills.

© by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC.  I encourage sharing Authentic Living in whole or in part if copyright and attribution are always included.