Compliments Work Better Than Criticism 

Parents who are trying to change behaviors in their children often forget the fact that we all respond more positively to compliments than to criticism.  An upset Dad might tell me: “Why should I compliment my son for doing what he should be doing?   I don’t get compliments for doing my job.  He should get used to the real world.”  The why is that we perform better when we are genuinely complimented for doing things well. Dad might feel better about his job if his hard work was acknowledged not just with a paycheck, but also with a few words of regard. When criticism outweighs praise, we feel that even if we work hard, no one notices anyway. When we feel valued for what we do, we do more of it.

Compliments with zingers discourage kids

Genuine compliments address specific behaviors. The words are clear and are honestly felt by the giver. “You did a nice job on that report.”  “I like it that you get up when your alarm clock goes off.”   I am not talking about gushing over every little thing our children say and do, but about giving a thumbs-up to validate admirable behavior.  Especially behaviors we would like to see repeated.  In order to help parents with this skill, I sometimes must stop them in mid-sentence before they jeopardize a great compliment.  It goes like this:  “Jason is a good student, he helps around the house and he takes care of his little brother, BUT….”

That is where I stop them.  “Period,” I say.  “Don’t ruin your compliment. That was fine the way it was.”  Jason’s parents, of course, want to tell me what he is doing wrong.  I prefer that we not mention his faults in the same sentence with his assets.  “But” is a zinger that invalidates everything that comes before it.  It leaves a bad feeling.  So, when you compliment, just compliment.  If you mean to correct or give advice, do not disguise it as a compliment.  We all know how to listen for genuine praise.

Compliment the Unremarkable

We all need compliments, but seldom receive them unless we do something outstanding. Words that acknowledge the value of others take little effort and are great at reinforcing self-esteem.  Teenagers complain to me that nobody notices if they do things right. “I go to school, do my work and mostly stay out of trouble,” they say.  “Don’t I get any credit for that?”  We need to give them credit for going to school, staying out of trouble and being respectful enough. Just as parents who support and take care of their families deserve credit.    Families who hang in there and work things out when times are tough, deserve credit.  So, give it.  Today.  Compliment someone you live with.  It’s good family business.

© by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC.  I encourage sharing Authentic Living in whole or in part if copyright and attribution are always included.