Assertiveness Is More Than Learning Skills
Many
of us who label ourselves as lacking in assertiveness skills, tend to misunderstand what
being assertive really means. Each semester, when I teach a class on assertiveness, I am
reminded how many of us confuse assertiveness with the bossy, demanding, sometimes angry
behavior that is actually a hallmark of aggression. If
we think such antagonistic behavior defines assertiveness, it is no wonder that so many of
us prefer to remain silent. Rather than being perceived as selfish, overbearing or
unreasonable, we keep our opinions to ourselves. We are reluctant to tell people when we
have a schedule conflict. We hesitate to
voice our preference for a movie we want to see or a restaurant we want to visit.
We fail to tell people when they delight us and we fail to tell them when they have
overlooked or offended us. Our relationships, therefore, stay distant or lukewarm and we
feel not only overlooked and offended, but probably resentful or angry.
Although we feel frustrated and misunderstood, we blame ourselves for not being
assertive and internally berate ourselves for not standing up for our values or wants.
We want to be more assertive, but we fear being selfish bullies.
In
assertiveness class, before we talk about specific assertive skills, we discuss what
genuine assertiveness looks like. People are
sometimes surprised to learn that it is possible to be both quiet and assertive. That a
soft-spoken “No, thanks” is as assertive and probably more effective than a screaming
rant. They learn that assertive behavior does not require intimidating stances, strong
language or angry looks. It simply requires
speaking for ourselves and clearly and directly conveying what we feel or need. No
bullying is required. No selfishness. Assertiveness is not a skirmish where one person has
to win and another loses. We don’t have to overcome the enemy to be assertive; we just
have to voice our needs.
Assertiveness,
however, is more than learning skills. It is also a mindset.
As a skill it involves speaking up for ourselves. It requires clear and direct
communication. It teaches us to set limits and to say “No.”
It gives us the ability to express both positive and negative feelings.
It enhances our relationships as we learn to approach others and initiate
conversation. However, just learning the
skills won’t make us an assertive person. We
have to believe that we are entitled to be assertive.
For that, we have to change our mindset. To
truly be assertive requires that we see ourselves as equal partners in relationships.
We need to believe that we are as important as other people and honor ourselves in
the same way as we honor them. We need to
recognize that our schedules and our preferences deserve as much consideration as the next
person. I teach my assertiveness students a mantra: “If somebody has to be disappointed,
it doesn’t always have to be me.” Not because I want them to become selfish and callous, but because
until we can see ourselves as equal and deserving, we are unlikely to implement
assertiveness skills.
A
final component necessary for changing from non-assertive to assertive behavior is
practice. Even when we hold the “deserving-and-equal”
mindset, and even when we have studied the skills, we need to start small to try out our
new assertive language. At first, because we
are nervous and not used to speaking up, we may speak up too quietly and remain unnoticed.
Or, because we need to muster so much courage to speak, we may actually sound blunt
and aggressive instead of reasonable and assertive. Practice
helps. Sometimes practicing with people we
will never see again allows us to try out the words, fumble with them if we must, and not
worry about facing the person over breakfast in the morning.
Practicing with people we feel safe with helps even more.
They can forgive our uneven attempts, bear with us as we try to express ourselves
and continue to love and support us as we find our voices.
Taking an assertiveness class or consulting a professional can also help us learn
new assertive behaviors. A counselor can help
us not only with the skills of assertiveness, but also with the self-confidence issues
that sometimes keep us from living the life we want.
© by Mary DuParri, MA, LPC. I encourage sharing Authentic Living in whole or in part if copyright and attribution are always included.